“satire you can trust”

BOSTON, MA — Following the rise in “test-optional” policies, the prestigious Northsouthern University (NSU) has implemented “Everything-Optional admissions,” where an applicant can choose what materials to send to the admissions office—or nothing at all. NSU’s application numbers have risen tenfold this application season, with analysts predicting that their acceptance rate will fall from 1% to -1%. 

Prior to the COVID-19 Pandemic, most universities in the US required applicants to submit an SAT or ACT test score to supplement their application. Due to testing services being inaccessible during COVID, many universities and colleges implemented test-optional policies where applicants could choose whether to submit a test score. As a result, universities like Northeastern University and Colgate University have seen a dramatic increase in applicants, often in excess of 50%. Simultaneously, the average SAT at top schools has risen to 1750 out of a possible 1600 points. Colleges are clamoring to climb the famed USNews ranking, which factors in acceptance rates and average SATs—and as such, test-optional policies have helped many universities gain prestige. 

Seeing this success, NSU decided to implement an “Everything-Optional” policy. Students are now no longer required to submit essays, resumes, letters of recommendation, and even grades or transcripts. Applicants are not even required to record their names in their applications. According to an interview with Agatha Morton, NSU’s Dean of Admissions, NSU’s intentions are “to make more money from application fees—I mean, allow students from all backgrounds to have a chance at attending a top university.” It should be noted that NSU raised its application fee from $100 to $1000 after this policy was implemented. Therefore, with a new high of 1,000,000 applications a year, NSU is raking in $1 Billion USD each application season. 

When asked about how admissions officers will vet applicants with little to no information about their backgrounds or academic abilities, Morton had the following response: “That is not of concern. We want to mold a class with a diversity of characteristics.” 

Our reporter proceeded to ask how NSU’s 50 application readers could adequately evaluate 1,000,000+ applicants in four months. Morton replied that “The main tenet of our holistic approach is to use a random number generator. If the number is a prime number that ends with a 7, you’re in. If not, you’re out. This automated application process ensures that all applicants get a very fair chance.” 

Ultimately, one thing is for certain—the college admissions scene is ever-changing and will evolve. Will other schools adopt “Everything-Optional” policies as a successor to test-optional? Only time will tell.