“satire you can trust”

WASHINGTON DC, USA—Three centuries after the 2022 midterm election and four years after the Martian Invasion of the Federation of the Americas, the defunct 118th Congress voted on the speakership for the 69,000th time. In his ghost form, Republican nominee Kevin McCarthy of California (now the Martian-Californian Combine) called for Republicans to unite—while Democrats stood strong for their leader, Representative Hakeem Jeffries from “New York” (now known as New Mars, the capital of the Martian Republic). 

Following the disastrous 2022 midterm elections, the House was split 222 seats for the Republicans and 213 seats for the Democrats. Due to fervent opposition from the far-right House Freedom Qaucus (HFQ), Republican leader Kevin McCarthy was unable to elect himself Speaker of the House. Despite making numerous concessions to the Qaucus (ranging from granting valuable committee seats to personally giving hour-long full-body massages to each HFQ member on the House floor), McCarthy was still unable to corral the support of 20 crucial members. Per House rules, the House must continue to vote on a speaker until a single candidate reaches a majority of all votes cast—and that has yet to happen in the past 300 years. 

However, McCarthy’s rise to the speakership may be near. Cameras have detected demons from hell dragging the ghosts of certain House Freedom Qaucus members into purgatory, decreasing the number of McCarthy’s opponents in the chamber. McCarthy has been seen trying to call former President Trump on his ghost-phone, but rumor has it that Trump has also been dragged down to hell. Additionally, Congressman George Santos, a McCarthy supporter accused of falsifying his resume and committing financial fraud, was seen burning up and disappearing in a puff of black smoke on the House floor.

Ideally, the House will be able to elect a speaker soon, leading the government of a country that hasn’t existed in over 100 years. Keep an eye out for our analysis of the next Martian Congress, where the issue of Homosapien Rights will be hotly debated.