“satire you can trust”

New York, USA — Following a mediocre midterm election performance by Republican candidates across the country, speaker-designate Kevin McCarthy’s hands have become increasingly tied as Republican Congressman-Elect George Santos becomes embroiled in a series of fraud scandals concerning whether he is of the human species.

George Santos, also known as “Devolder Santos”, “Santos George” or “Santos Devolder” has faced a barrage of criticism from both sides of the aisle after the publication of a New York Times article concerning his credentials. The article alleges that Mr/Ms/Mx Santos/Devolder/George lied about his education history (he claims that he studied at both Baruch College and NYU), his criminal status (Santos was charged with fraud in Brazil), his employment history (Santos did not work at JP Morgan or Citisrabank as his biography suggests) and even his residency (his apparent residency is in Area 51, Nevada as seen in military records). 

Yet, more has been discovered about his biography on Twitter. In a post dated July 2020, Santos (apparently of Brazilian origin) claims that he is of African American and Hispanic descent, all the while stating that he is Jewish and Polish during the campaign. This would make him the first “quadracial” African American, Hispanic, White, and Latin American to walk the halls of Congress. Progressives across the nation applauded this milestone, with the San Francisco DSA hailing his victory as a “monumental step for multiracial beings on our planet”. 

However, Santos’ habitual deception is apparently due to him not being from the human race. Instead, it seems that he is an escaped prisoner at Area 51, a top-secret research facility in rural Nevada. In a leaked dossier from the US Military’s Area 51 branch, Santos was described as a “Lizard Man with shapeshifting abilities”. Alien experts on Reddit speculate that Santos was able to shapeshift into other human beings, thus acquiring a number of jobs and races under different aliases and culminating in his seemingly fabricated resume. Currently, the US military has a $45 billion reward out for Santos’ arrest and recapture.