“satire you can trust”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The midterm elections are finally upon us. Total spending in the 2022 elections has set a new record for political expenditures in any US election, with long-shot candidates spending a total of nearly $1 quadrillion. 

In his bid to oust Rand Paul, Kentucky’s less famous Republican senator, Democratic representative Charles Booker has raised his first trillion dollars. So far, he has spent $100 billion in ads labeling Rand Paul a “Die-Hard Trumpist” in a state where former President Trump won by a landslide. According to a spokesperson from the Booker campaign, “it is [the campaign’s] duty to inform voters of what our opponent truly stands for”. His race is currently rated “Safe Republican” by seven different election forecasters. 

Similarly, long-shot Democrat Marcus Flowers, running against controversial Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, has reached an even more remarkable fundraising milestone. Gathering donations from Californian wine moms and disaffected progressives from the Northeast, he has raised a total of $100 trillion in his bid to oust the infamous conspiracy-theorist incumbent. Yet, in a North Georgia district that voted for former President Trump by nearly 35%, it seems that his efforts will be in vain. 

Some Republican voters are extremely skeptical of this record-breaking fundraising. We interviewed Hunter Miller, a self-proclaimed “working-class” Goldman Sachs VP from New York’s Upper East Side. He said: “There’s no gad-damn way that these evil liberals are raising this money legally. George Soros is the one funding these selfish, abortionist murderers! It’s our responsibility to stop the JEWISH WORLD ORDER!” Mr. Miller then went on a 50-minute rant on the supposed existence of “Jewish Space Lasers”, how George Soros is a “lizard man in disguise”, and that “Democrats are blinded sheep”. 

According to leaked memos, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) has begun to panic due to this wanton waste of funds. In their quarterly FEC filing, the DCCC indicated that their senate hopefuls only have a total of 5 hundred-dollar bills and 39 cents in loose change to fund their floundering campaigns. One inside source from Brooklyn who wished to be called “Chuck Shoe-Mer” said: “Why in the hell does our base donate to the most hopeless candidates? Not only are we gonna lose the senate race in Kentucky, a state where we wouldn’t even win if Jesus came down and endorsed a Democrat, but we’ll lose all of our competitive races as well!”

It seems that all this spending has drawn the attention of the Federal Reserve, which warned that they may need to raise rates in response to mass election spending. Yesterday, Fed Chairman Jerome Powell threatened to raise the interest rate from 4% to 20000%, saying that the sudden injection of “$1 trillion dollars in funds from electoral hopefuls would make inflation rocket out of control”. 

Ultimately, it’s time to make your voice heard in Congress – election day is Tuesday, November 8th. If you’re undecided, watch out for the Morning Glory electoral endorsements, where we spin a wheel to choose a candidate for every congressional race.