“satire you can trust”

HONG KONG, CHINA – It seems like the omnipotent powers of billionaire tycoon Li Ka Shing have come to an end. With the rapid approach of Typhoon Nalgae toward Hong Kong, many experts postulate that Li’s Field has weakened severely.

According to Hong Kong meteorologists, Li’s field is a weather phenomenon characterized by a force field surrounding the city. This force field has been able to spontaneously deflect typhoons away from Hong Kong, notably Typhoon Prapiroon in 2006. It is hypothesized that besides managing his companies and estates, Li Ka Shing’s side hustle is operating a secret force field generator in the middle of Hong Kong’s financial district, serving as a conduit to channel his powers to ward off an onslaught of storms. 

Yet, it seems that this era of good weather may be waning. As Nalgae hurtles toward us, many scientists believe that the field has weakened. Considering the fact that the government’s long-awaited financial summit occurred today, it would be in Li’s interest to hold the storms at bay – but it seems that his efforts have failed miserably. 

At the same time, the HKO seems to have taken a more liberal stance in issuing weather warnings. Despite the lack of strong winds in the morning of the 2nd, the Observatory decided to preliminarily hoist a Typhoon 8 signal, thus leading to the cancellation of schooling across Hong Kong. While students celebrate, some parents are beginning to point out the severe inconsistencies in weather warnings. As of 10 pm, the HKO has hoisted a Cold Weather Warning in preparation for a possible winter monsoon, a Hot Weather Warning due to widespread expectations for a heat wave next August, a Black Rain Alert for heavy rainfall, but also a Forest Fire warning in expectation for a dry spell next week. 

Regardless, I’m sure we’re all hoping that Li Ka Shing concentrates his powers and reactivates his force field, avoiding all this terrible weather that we’ve been having lately.