“satire you can trust”

HONG KONG, CHINA—It seems that “Dynamic Zero-COVID” also embraces geographic dynamism. Chief Executive John Lee has taken a firmly interventionist approach to Zero-COVID, seeking to spread the policy’s implementation to other nations. 

Following a mild resurgence in Hong Kong COVID cases that has caused nearly 200 local deaths over the last month, Dr. Libby Lee of the Hong Kong Hospital Authority (HA) proclaimed that “Singapore’s COVID situation is very worrying”. This emphatic sentiment was met with extreme gratitude by Singapore’s Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong who thanked Dr. Lee for her sympathies, tweeting that “Singapore would never have realized the dire state it is in without Dr. Lee’s statement. Thank you Dr. Lee for saving the lives of so many Singaporeans.” After this statement, the Singaporean government declared that Zero-COVID measures would be immediately reinstated, and all COVID victims would be summarily executed for fear of spreading the virus.

However, leaked memos from the Hospital Authority have indicated that the Hong Kong government is planning to persuade foreign governments to again enact Zero-COVID policies. The rumored theme October 18 policy address is “Dynamic Zero-COVID Here and Abroad”, a marked departure from past policy addresses that have focused on livelihood issues, common prosperity, and the economy. 

There have also been rumblings of a Hong-Kong-led  “special military expedition” to rid the Asia-Pacific region of COVID. According to an anonymous Legislative Council source, the government has set its sights on decontaminating Thailand, a country that has recently canceled all its COVID restrictions. They are in the process of acquiring an  “Anti-COVID Fleet” to sail across the South China Sea, including 200 fishing boats, 60 Junks, and the Star Ferry. Only time will tell whether the government’s plan will succeed, but I’m sure all of us in Hong Kong support the government’s decisive actions against COVID.