“satire you can trust”

BEL AIR, CA —As the total U.S. COVID-19 death toll topped 1,000,000, America’s socialites converged on a $100 million Bel-air mansion in a last-ditch effort to put the coronavirus pandemic to an end once and for all. The sprawling lawn once verdant and closely trimmed was occupied to the edge by attendees’ day to day vehicles, ranging from private helicopters to custom built supercars, to the down to earth Mercedes S-Class. Carrying briefcases and duffle bags, they gathered at the rooftop of the mansion, filling up the entire space by early afternoon.

Hundreds of spectators gathered outside the mansion, peering at the rooftop through the gaps of the front gate, desperate to walk away with a piece of this spectacle.

“For mankind!” A deafening roar echoed through the neighborhood, as attendees made it rain, partially blocking out natural light around the mansion as the bills showered from the sky. Some attendees later switched to their cash cannons as they worked through their hefty $1,000,000 stack of dollar bills. 

“This is simply heartwarming,” said one attendee, “We’re hoping that the coronavirus dies upon contact with our dollar bills.”

“New problems require new solutions,” declared another attendee, bringing his family of five with him. “We’re currently facing an unprecedented pandemic. We’re confined to our houses and all three of my bookings to the French laundry have been canceled! What else can I do but participate in this act of solidarity? At least money has always solved problems for me!”

After the last bill made its way down from the roof, falling into the infinity pool below, sighs of relief could be heard, as some attendees proclaimed that they had finally managed to get rid of their moldy bills, and looked forward to their next visit to the ATM.

At press time, journalists and members of the public gathered around the mansion were fined for breaking social distancing rules, as they failed to stay six feet apart.