“satire you can trust”

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA — Su Daewon is a hardworking Grade 10 student from Seoul, Korea. However, a few years back, he began to feel like an outcast.

“It commenced in my preparation for my SSAT examination. I studied vigorously, investing countless moons into my self-edification, committing a plethora of indispensable vocabulary to my cranium, enlarging my lexical empire.”

But he began to feel a bit left out. 

“To put things simply, I perceived a seemingly repulsive aura that escorted me with every path I trod.”

Su went to see a psychiatrist, hoping to find an answer. After a nerve-wracking wait in the office, the test came back: he was diagnosed with late-stage pleonasm, a condition characterized by the excessive use of complicated and lengthy words in speech, writing, and other forms of communication for a certain subject. Furthermore, late-stage pleonasm meant that he was far beyond the point of return, with no known cure for his condition.

But he hasn’t been left to rot. Su has seen significant accommodations for his condition, such as 40% extra time on all school assessments, standardized tests like the SAT, and birthday wishes. 

Yes, instead of a 24-hour window within which to wish someone a happy birthday, Su is entitled to 33.6 hours to accommodate his late-stage pleonasm. Yet this somehow was not enough for him, as he missed his friend’s birthday, instead only creating a birthday post with incoherently complex English 20 hours after the acceptable window closed. Worse yet, even with the extra time, he failed to do so accurately, incorrectly stating his friend’s age in the post.

We reached out to Su for comment, who informed us that he’ll be appealing to relevant authorities for 50% extra time to further accommodate the severity of his disability.