“satire you can trust”

ORLANDO, FLORIDA — In an effort to ease the “economical and mental burdens” created by the coronavirus pandemic, Disney CEO Bob Chapek unveils a series of relief measures that would add a “sparkle of magic” to their employees during such tough times. 

“As the number of COVID related deaths rise to new heights in Florida and California, we can’t help but think that our employees might actually die from this virus,” said Chapek, announcing the launch of an “extra magical, all-in funeral service” for their employees. “It is absolutely vital that we give our employees a proper Disney send-off. Not only are we paying for their funerals, but also offering a Mickey Mouse Playhouse mascot of choice to deliver a heartfelt eulogy.”

Adding on to the extra magical funerals, Chapek also confirmed that Disney will be opening up acting roles to dead employees. “All dead bodies of our employees will be preserved and used as extras in future films as an added element of realism, whether it be Star Wars, Spiderman or Peter Pan. Absolutely no auditions required, just send the body over! Every body counts!”

At press time, Disney completed the acquisition of the Jaws franchise from Universal Pictures, as sources disclose that Jaws 5 is currently in the making.