“satire you can trust”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Feeling suppressed and disenfranchised, gun rights activists surrounded the Capitol Building, demanding affirmative action for owners of assault weapons and other high calibre rifles. 

“We’ve been pushed to the brink,” lamented prominent gun rights activist Tanner Clark. “Since the democrats love promoting diversity, why not make sure every school in the nation leaves a quota for our kids! We’re not seeing a lot of levelling the playing field right now.”

Another protestor who travelled all the way from Wyoming to DC joined in support, adding that he has not felt this marginalized in his whole life. “Every time I bring my AR-15 and flamethrower around town, I feel discriminated against. I get death stares and people even accuse me of scaring their kids! Since when have guns been this tabooed! The current problem is that no one’s exposed to these kind of weapons anymore. Folks out there need to get used to unfamiliar guns and build a more tolerant community!”

At press time, a handful of activists from the American Foot Fetishist Alliance gathered in DC, advocating for at least one foot fetishizing student per class.