“satire you can trust”

MINSK — In a press conference earlier today, Belarusian president Lukashenko officially recognized Trump as the 46th, 47th, 48th, 49th, and 50th president of the United States and vowed to normalize diplomatic relations with the U.S. in a new era of “peace and stability.”

“Hostile forces have been plotting against President Trump since the day he took office, instigating coup after coup every four years. They tried again this year, attempting to strip away power from a rightful leader to create a new government against the majority’s will. The people of Belarus are in full support President Trump’s mission to restore peace and political stability. Therefore, I officially congratulate President Trump for his glorious victory and look forward to working with his administration in the decades to come.”

 Lukashenko also offered his praise for Trump’s “broad patriotic base of supporters”. 

“Look at his rallies! They remind me of the crowds Stalin drew when he gave speeches at the Red Square! It is obvious that he has the majority on his side,” Lukashenko proclaied.

At press time, Lukashenko also announced that a special committee has been set up to review the possibility of sanctions against those who have voted for Trump’s impeachment. Sources reveal that some of the potential sanctions include the immediate freezing of all personal assets in Belarusian bank accounts and the prohibition of all Belarusian cheese and vodka exports to those individuals.