“satire you can trust”

SOUTH CAROLINA, USA — Hours after presidential hopeful Kanye West’s first rally, Mrs Vassilyev, the mother of 69 children, awoke from her deadly slumber upon hearing West’s bold statement: “Everyone that has a baby gets a million dollars!” The declaration by West was deemed “absurd” by all single millennials, yet it received exceptional responses from almost every married couple online. 

In the late hours yesterday, cemetery groundskeepers were left shocked as the cadaverous figure of a 238-year old Mrs Vassilyev arose from her grave along with her horde of 69 children. Despite being horror-stricken, the nightly workers at the graveyard reported and recorded muffled noises coming from the non-dead. Upon further interpretation, officials were able to depict the sound as a sluggish “one millionnn eachh” and Kanye West’s infamous lyrics, “Wake up Mr West!” It is safe to say that old Mrs Vassilyev will unquestionably be voting for Mr West in the upcoming election.

Presidential contender Kanye West has yet to respond to the bedlam caused by his controversial statement.